Broken to Beautiful (beware long post)

I know it has been way too long since my last post. Great things have happened here. We have been home with Kahsay now for almost 3 months. After our first trip my heart ached so much for our son that I couldn't blog. After our second trip life was so crazy I just did not have the time. I will admit I am not much of the blogging type, but wanted people to be able to follow our adoption journey. Since we have been home with Kahsay our lives have changed in ways I never expected. I debated on writing this testimony, but thought if I can reach one person through this it is worth it.

Let me begin by saying I am not a gifted writer. I only speak from my heart and testify to the work Christ has done.

When we began our adoption journey 2 1/2 years ago it started with fear but a strong desire to follow God's call. The financial part was difficult but God took care of that. The paperwork sucked (sorry that is how I felt). The wait was at times excruciating. The reminders from God that we were doing exactly what He wanted brought about peace. The unknown of when God would bring our boy home taught us patience. The support, prayers, and encouragement from family, friends, church family, and even strangers was overwhelming. The journey before seeing our son's face had it's ups and downs, but nothing compared to what God had planned.

It was April 5 when we saw our son's face for the first time. We celebrated together with hugs and tears of excitement. We were not prepared for the way our hearts broke for the story that brought him into our lives. His story is an amazing example of selfless love. I could only compare it the same selfless love God had for us when He allowed his one and only son to be the sacrifice for all of us. We look forward to the day when we will be able to share with Kahsay how much he was loved and wanted.

Our first trip to meet him was filled with excitement but also a bit of anxiety. We could not wait to finally hold and kiss our son, but also knew it would be a very different experience than the birth of our girls. We knew he would look at us with strange eyes. We watched as his Special Mother knew exactly how to feed him his bottle and put him to sleep. We could see the peace he had when we handed him to her when he was fussy. The special mothers who loved on Kahsay are our heroes. They give each child so much love and attention even with the knowledge that this child will be gone from their lives in a short while. It was hard as a mother to not be able to soothe your child. It was hard as a mother to only be able to hold him while he slept. The day we had to leave Kahsay in Ethiopia was horrible. The only peace we had was knowing he was being well taken care of and loved on.

The weeks between trip 1 and 2 were so hard for me. I felt like I gave birth and then left the baby in the hospital. I could not focus on anything else going on around me. I forgot about appointments, suffered from some depression, and longed for God to be near to me. It was hard to talk about it, because no one else except my husband and other adoptive families understood the deep desire to have my son home. I tried to focus on the time we had left as a family of five. I tried to spend more individual time with my girls and Jason. While my intentions were good, my heart still focused so much on Kahsay.

Trip 2 came, and after some crazy paperwork drama, God worked a miracle. We arrived at Hannah's Hope to pick up Kahsay forever. In the first hour during our talk with the director he screamed, puked, and finally fell asleep. He slept the entire way to the hotel. When we arrived he woke up and screamed in terror for over 2 hours. The next three days in Ethiopia were very hard. It is so heart wrenching to see your child look at you in fear. He did bless us with a few smiles, but looking back I see now he was very guarded. We survived the "fabulous" flights home and could not wait to be united as a family forever. Seeing our family and friends at the airport to welcome us home was all I had expected it to be. It felt amazing to finally be a family of 6 and introduce Kahsay to his sisters.

The next few days we were on a "finally home" high. We watched as the girls fought over him and as family and friends couldn't wait to finally catch a glimpse of him. Kahsay seemed happy and looked as if he was settling in. The next 6 weeks were what I refer to as the "trenches". We were encouraged to cocoon in our home and spend time as a family so the bonding between Kahsay and us could begin. We were committed to this as much as possible. We also did not let anyone else feed, diaper, and care for Kahsay's needs. We did allow grandparents and aunts and uncles to hold him for brief periods. As much as possible we limited our time out of the house to ensure Kahsay did not get overwhelmed. We noticed quickly that he continued to be guarded and limited his eye contact. He constantly wanted to be sleeping and tended to be fussy when he was awake. We knew this was how he was coping with this drastic change in his life.

Daily life was filled with tears from Kahsay and I. We fought every nap time and bedtime. I had this strong desire as his mom to rock him to sleep as he looked into my eyes. That is far from what happened. He tried everything in his power to not be close to me, yet he could not soothe himself. I struggled between trying to love him and be close to him even when I wanted to put him in his bed and be far far away. We both sobbed together. He was mourning what he once knew, and I was crying out for God to save me and heal this relationship. There were a few weeks even when I did not want to be the one to take care of him. I began to feel anger and resentment.  I spent hours trying to soothe him to sleep.  Once he was sleeping it lasted only about 30 minutes. I tried everything we are told to try with an adopted child.  Sometimes these methods would work and sometimes I failed miserably. I desperately wanted Kahsay to love me.  I desperately wanted to feel the same love for him as I felt for my girls.  My 3 girls were being ignored and left to figure out the day on their own.  I pasted a "this is great" smile on my face when seeing people.  I shared with most of my family members the struggle, but never too detailed for fear they would sense my weakness.  This was when God broke me.  I finally picked up the phone one day and called someone from my church who told me to call them anytime if I needed prayers or anything else.  I called her crying and pleading for her to pray for me and Kahsay.  I have never been good at asking for help and admitting I need help.  She prayed with me on the phone and assured me she would keep praying for me.  When I hung up the phone I immediately felt a peace that only God could provide.  It was from that moment that God began to miraculously bring beauty to a broken relationship.  It did not miraculously turn from bad to good.  The journey to healing was still hard.  There were still days of tears on both ends.  To be honest there are still days of tears.  I will never forget the night Kahsay let me rock him to sleep without protest.  He finally felt safe in my arms and knew I was going to provide for his needs and not give up on him.  His walls finally started to break down and I was prepared to be the foundation he could rely on.  None of this was in my own doing.  This healing was only possible through God.

Today when I look at my son I feel such an intense love.  I can testify today that the love I feel for him is no different than the love I feel for his sisters.  He has changed our lives in ways we never expected.  He has brought such life to our home.  I am grateful God has chosen me to be Kahsay's mom.

Adoption is hard, but AMAZING.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the best.  This journey has brought me to a closer understanding of Christ's love for us.  What started out as a broken relationship has been made into something beautiful.  I am grateful for the journey God has led us to.  It is far from over and still will be hard.  I am grateful that I have a God that can have victory over any trial.  I am grateful for a God that can break me in order to make me stronger.  We often hear how great we are that we adopted and how lucky Kahsay is.  Kahsay has brought such blessing to our lives.  We give all credit to God.  We would not be where we are today without Him.  He brought us here and we know He will see us through.

Court Date and Donation List

We are going to be leaving in 8 days to finally meet our son!! Our court date is on May 14. We would love to bring donations to our transition home where our son lives. Here is a donation list. If you live near us you can drop them off at our house or our church (Providence CRC).



DONATION LIST

Diapers of all sizes (but particularly preemie and sizes 3 and 4

Baby Wipes

Bibs

Hand Sanitizer

Kleenex boxes

Infant and children's vitamins

Formula: Vegetable-based Similac, soy-based Similac as well as regular formula

Children's Clothing: This must be new or Like new (no holes or stains)

       Toddler clothing and shoes (at this time we are asking for families not to bring infant clothing)

       Light Jackets or Sweaters for all ages

       Boys clothing for ages 6-10 years old

       Girls clothing for ages 6-13 years old

       Underwear for all ages (Please consider slim clothing)

       Shoes for all ages, but especially older boys and girls. The popular "Croc" is great for these kids!

Bottles: Avent bottles for both 8-12 ounce feedings

Diaper rash cream: Desitin is referred, but A&D ointment or Butt paste is also useful

Baby shampoos and baby oil

Shampoo, conditioner, and lotion for older children

Age appropriate development toys for infants and toddlers

Blow up balls/outside toys

Sidewalk chalk

Bubbles

Children's DVDs and CDs

Men's and women's deodorant

Good quality electric shaver

Rechargeable camping lanterns (for when electricity is out)

Twin Sheets (mainly flats) in children's patters and colors of pink, purple, red, blue, and green. Solid or print materials are both acceptable.

The Call

I promised I would blog about how "the call" happened. When we signed our contract in December of 2009, I had dreamed of this moment. I read other people's stories of how their call would go and hoped ours would be similar. I had set my ringer to ring differently when our agency called me. I did that so I would not jump every time the phone rang. I also wondered how I would answer the call. Would I be sobbing uncontrollably and not be able to say hello? Would I be in complete control of my emotions and answer calmly? Would I be jumping up and down and be so excited that my caseworker would not get a word in? To be honest it went exactly how I thought it would.

It was about 2:40 on April 5. I was sitting on the couch helping my girls with a few computer games they were trying. My phone rang. It was my normal ring that I have for all calls. As I picked up my phone to check who was calling my heart jumped into my chest. It was our agency! For some reason my caseworker called from a number I did not have saved. I immediately yelled to Gabbie and Alexa, "It's the call! It's the call!". I picked up the phone and calmly answered. My heart was pounding so hard I thought my caseworker could hear it. She asked how we were doing and I sort of calmly told her we are good if she was calling with a baby. She explained that yes indeed she was. At this point I began sobbing uncontrollably. There was about 8 seconds of no conversation due to the fact that I was crying. I attempted to talk, but was for sure not making sense. She told me I could call my husband and conference call him in. I told her he was golfing and would not be able to talk until he was finished. Before we hung up I made sure to ask how old he was. I did not want to know his name or anything else until Jason was with me.

After I hung up I ran into the family room to let the girls they had a baby brother!! They both began to cry with me. We hugged and cried for a while and then ran downstairs to tell Maia. There was no crying but she did say, "I am the the best big sister ever!!!" What a perfect day it was! He is beautiful! I think I look at his picture at least 20 times a day.

Referral!!!!

Ever since we started this process I would read other people's blogs about their referrals and have such excitement for them and hope for when our day would come. It is hard to believe our day has come. On April 5 we received THE CALL for a beautiful 6 week old baby boy (he is 9 lbs.). He was born February 19 and was brought to Hannah's Hope on March . He is so beautiful! It is so hard to look at his picture and not be near him to cuddle and kiss on him. Our girls are over the moon with excitement and keep thanking God for answering our prayers. The next step is to get all of our referral paperwork in and then wait for a court date. When we receive a court date Jason and I will travel for our first trip. We will not get to bring him home at that time but will get to spend time bonding with him and getting know more of his culture and country. Please pray that we get a court date soon.

I will blog about "the call" in a couple days. I will say there were 3 sobbing girls in our home (one of them was me).

Still Waiting

We are still waiting for "the call". I will admit this has been the hardest part thus far. We did not expect to wait this long at #1. This is only the second time since being on the wait list that we have not moved at all in a month. I am an emotional roller coaster. My oldest informs everyone that I am a bit emotional lately. We have waited so long to finally see the face of the precious little boy God called us to adopt. I am soooo done waiting. The funny thing is that after they call us with our referral we will have to wait again. I guess at least I will have a picture to stare at and boy clothes to buy!! We pray every night for a referral, and so far God has told us to wait. We wait with great anticipation the day God says YES!!!

WE ARE #1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it has been a while since I posted last, but things really have been moving right along. As the title says, WE ARE FINALLY #1!!!! After beginning this process more than 2 years ago we have made it to the top of the list. This means the next little boy within our age (0-12 months) parameters is ours. It is finally real. I can't explain how excited we are to be at this point of the process. The wait has been long, and we could still wait a bit, but we are almost there. My phone is set to have a different ring for our agency so that I don't go crazy every time the phone rings. I will let you all know soon when we get the call. Please continue to pray we wait on God's timing and trust He knows best.

Wait

I wish I could update you on this large jump we took on the wait list, but instead I will share with you a poem that some dear friends of mine shared with me. February will mark the 2 year anniversary of signing our contract with AGCI. Maia was only 10 months old when we decided to obey God's call to expand our family through adoption. She will be 3 this April. It is crazy when I think of all that has happened in our lives while we have been praying, and waiting for Josiah (Yes that is his name). We have just started calling him by name. We still may decide to use his Ethiopian name, but I am pretty sure we will change it to Josiah and use his Ethiopian name as his middle name. Anyways, that is beside the point. I think of Josiah everyday. I dream about him. We pray for him everyday. Even the girls will talk about him like he is already a part of our family. What a great day that will be when we see his face for the first time.
While the wait is hard, I wanted to share a poem that some dear friends of mine shared with me. It has really brought this into perspective. I have felt all of these emotions more than once during this wait.


Wait
By Russel Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quielty, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a 'Yes', a go ahead sign.
Or even a 'No', to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and I grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting...for what?"

Then He seemed to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause the mountians to run.

I could give you all that you seek and pleased would you be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkeness and silence are all that you see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and that I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask.
From an infinate God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greastest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft my answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "Wait."