Beauty in the Unexpected

     When we started our adoption process, I never imagined our life would look like this almost a year home with our son.  Today we arrived home after a 3 day hospital stay for Kahsay's nissen and g tube surgery.  As usual I began to unpack my suitcase and Kahsay's toys, food, and clothing.  After finishing, I looked at the large box on the counter filled with medical supplies.  It contained tubing, syringes, gauze, emergency kits, and cans of Pediasure.  I realized I had to find a place to keep all of these supplies and all of the subsequent supplies that will be shipped on a regular basis to our home.  As I filled his drawers and wheeled his pump into his room it hit me, this is not what I imagined our life would look like.  

     After saying "yes" to God's call, I dreamed of the first time I would meet my son, what his face would look like, coming into the airport being welcomed by family and friends, uniting him with his sisters, and beginning a life with our son we prayed for and dreamed of.  All of these moments were amazing and memories I will never forget.  While these were amazing they are just small glimpses into the journey of adoption.  

     Adoption is the hardest and best thing I have ever been called to.  The moments of financial stress, waiting, paperwork, longing, unexpected changes in country policy, doubt, and the stress of attachment were so difficult.  The moments of confirmation, surrender, love for a child you have never met, support financially, emotionally, and spiritually from loved ones, and desire to follow God's call were life changing.  

     The moment I never imagined, was looking for a place to store all of my son's medical supplies so that he could begin to gain weight and develop. I never imagined the nurses at the children's hospital remembering my son  from  his previous appointments.  I never imagined I would know so many specialists in my city and be looking into all the different kinds of therapies offered.  I couldn't begin to dream that I would be working with him on sitting up and weight bearing at 15 months old.  I never imagined I would be excited when my son visually would track me.  I never imagined I would adopt a child that has special needs. 

     Comparing these moments as I settle into a  new normal, really helps me put life in perspective.  While the feelings I felt when we saw Kahsay's face for first time were amazing, I feel the same way when Kahsay learns something new.  The day we walked into the airport and united our family forever was beyond words, but I am also speechless when my son sits up for 15 minutes all by himself.  The smile I had pasted to my face the day my son cried for me was the same smile I had the day my son ate almost a 1/2 jar of baby food in one feeding.

      I never imagined that the moments I dreamed of and moments I never wanted to be reality could equally bless my life.  Today, if I could throw away all those medical supplies in my son's room and completely heal his brain I would in a heart beat.  Today if I could heal my son's vision, and cerebral palsy I would.  While I would heal Kahsay's body I would not change who my son is.  I would never change his contagious belly laugh, adorable smile, and LOVE for music.  While our life is not what I expected, it has become something beautiful.  I have learned the beauty of weakness, sacrifice, unconditional love, faith, trust, and surrender.  I have learned that while the unexpected is hard, it is God's way of molding us into something much more beautiful.  

     After we found out the results of Kahsay's MRI, a friend reminded me of something I told her in college.  She asked me how I would feel if I had a child with special needs.  I told her I would consider it a blessing.  

     While I do not remember this conversation, I can testify today that I consider it a blessing to have a child who has made my life more beautiful.