Instead of sharing everything I learned, I will share with you the message I knew God wanted me to hear. It was a message that restored me and filled my heart with an overwhelming peace. Before I share the message, I need to give you a bit of background.
When God called us to adopt I had no idea how hard and amazing this journey would be. It has been the hardest journey God has led us on and the best journey God has led us on. There were times I tried doing it in my own strength but quickly learned to fall to my knees and surrender to His plan. Not only did life change drastically for us but it also changed drastically for Kahsay. This is why the transition and bonding time can be hard and long. In the midst of this struggle we were told the news of Kahsay's special needs. If you are unaware of this story you can read it here MRI results. While we have seen God's miracles in Kahsay's life, there are still the daily demands of his care that leave me feeling unequipped and unable to be the best mom for Kahsay. I know these messages are from the devil, but it takes constant time in the word and on my knees to keep me focused and encouraged.
The day before I was to leave for this conference I was in my room crying out to God. Kahsay was sick AGAIN! He was puking during every nap, and struggling to keep his food in. His nutritionist already is concerned about his lack of weight gain since October and again he is puking up much of what goes in. Feeding has been a big struggle since we have come home. It took us months to finally get his feeding safe, and now we may be right back at the beginning. His neuro development doctor suggested we get another swallow study done to be sure he is not still aspirating. Since he does not tolerate any purees, formula is what gives him the calories he needs to develop. I was feeling completely defeated. I know none of this was in my control, but for some reason I was taking it all on my own shoulders. I was searching within my human strength to handle it. I was having this nice little pity party. I convinced myself that God was disappointed with me and probably wished he had chosen a different mom for Kahsay that could handle this with strength and patience. I even got a bit angry with God. I was certain I deserved for Him to take away this pain and struggle. After wiping away my tears I decided to suck it up and try better. Honestly I still felt like someone could do a much better job. God called me to this very important job, and I felt like I was letting God and Kahsay down.
These feelings seemed to creep up while attending the first few sessions at the conference. On Saturday I attended a session titled "The Connected Mom- Staying Close to the Lord among the Demands of Parenting". The paragraph that followed was this: "All mothers have seasons when our circumstances, and even the people we love most, place intense demands on our strengths and test our weaknesses. How do we stay strong? How do we get refreshed and strengthened so that there is an overflow available to meet the needs around us?". Sounds amazing huh? It was exactly was I was looking for. I knew I lacked that constant connection with my Heavenly Father. I knew I needed to do better at being creative to find those small moments with Him.
I will say the message of this session was exactly what God wanted me to hear. It was not the part of trying to find time with Him that hit me the hardest. The encouragement and tools the speaker offered for this were great and gave me hope. The part of the message that hit me the hardest was the songs she played. All three songs were exactly what I needed to hear but one in particular brought me to tears and broke me. The song "I Knew what I was Getting Into" by Misty Edwards has such a beautiful message that I had to post the words and You Tube video below.
I Knew What I was Getting Into- You Tube video
CHORUS
I knew what I was getting into when called you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into.
I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into.
VERSE
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into.
I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into.
VERSE
And I am not shocked by your weakness.
And I am not shocked even by your sin.
And I am not shocked by your brokenness.
Cuz only I can see the end from the beginning.
And only I can see where this is going.
And only I can see the end from the beginning.
And I see in you the seeds of love.
And I see in you strength when all you see is your failure and all you feel is ashamed.
I can see deeper than that.
I know you better than that.
And I am not shocked even by your sin.
And I am not shocked by your brokenness.
Cuz only I can see the end from the beginning.
And only I can see where this is going.
And only I can see the end from the beginning.
And I see in you the seeds of love.
And I see in you strength when all you see is your failure and all you feel is ashamed.
I can see deeper than that.
I know you better than that.
CHORUS
VERSE
Your only at the beginning.
You've only just begun and I know where you are going
And all you can see in the moment is that your hurting.
And all you can see in the moment is that your aching.
BRIDGE
You've only just begun and I know where you are going
And all you can see in the moment is that your hurting.
And all you can see in the moment is that your aching.
BRIDGE
Just don't give up.
And don't give in.
If you don't quit. You win, you win.
Just don't give up.
And don't give in.
If you don't quit. You win, you win.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
It's going to be okay.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
It's going to be Okay.
And you don't have to pretend to be something or someone your not.
Cuz I know you better than that, even better, even better than that.
Listen my Beloved.
And don't give in.
If you don't quit. You win, you win.
Just don't give up.
And don't give in.
If you don't quit. You win, you win.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
It's going to be okay.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
It's going to be Okay.
And you don't have to pretend to be something or someone your not.
Cuz I know you better than that, even better, even better than that.
Listen my Beloved.
CHORUS
As I sat there crying and listening to this song I realized God called ME to be Kahsay's mom. God called ME to walk this journey with him. God called ME! He did not want someone else. I was the perfect imperfect person for this particular calling. Why did I think God was surprised by my shortcomings? Why did I think He expected me to the perfect example of strength and patience? Why did I think God wanted anyone but ME to fall to my knees, surrender, and allow Him to lead me through this?
Needless to say I came home with a new and refreshed spirit. God has called me to be His tool but He will equip me and carry out exactly what He has planned. I do not need to do anything but stay connected to Him and trust He's got this.
Here are the other two songs we listened to. They are just as amazing! I hope they give you the encouragement you need today.
You Know Me
Come to Me
