HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY KAHSAY!!! You are our miracle!!! While you have not made our lives easier, you have made our lives better than we could have ever expected.
I will admit birthday #2 was very difficult for me. I did not expect to feel such joy and loss at the same time. I am filled with joy when I see where we have come in a year and watch my son find his own joy in life. I love to see his smile and excitement for familiar songs and family member's voices. I laugh when he thinks he can throw a tantrum in order to not do therapy. He brings such beauty to our lives.
While I feel such joy, the loss I feel is also very real. A day after his birthday I wrote to the ladies who have become my support system. All of them also have adopted children with special needs. Here is what I wrote:
Kahsay turned 2 on Wednesday. Most days I am able to marvel at his progress and plug along with his daily needs. Today I am struggling and wish he could do the typical 2 year old activities. I wish he would take out all my Tupperware, throw an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet, throw food on the floor, throw a tantrum in the store because he wants to help mommy push the cart, fight over toys with another toddler, and yes...even eat the tip off a marker or color all over the wall. Today I don't want to fight for insurance to refill his seizure meds or risk going 2 days without. I don't want to count ounces and calories to be sure he is getting enough to maybe gain an ounce after 1 1/2 years of being 18 lbs. i want him to sleep the entire night and not have to pat his butt for 40 minutes so he will fall asleep. I don't want to drive separately to my daughter's soccer game so I can leave when Kahsay becomes over stimulated. And I really don't want to feel guilty today that I didn't work on "therapy" skills. I think the number 2 just makes me realize that "catching" up is not reality. Sob fest done......just needed to get it off my chest.
I know I will forever have grief over the things Kahsay will never experience. I know these feelings are normal and healthy. I also know I love Kahsay for Kahsay. I love that music drives him, I love that he can't sit still for even a minute, I love that he laughs over some of the oddest things,and I can't get enough of his smile and cuddles at bedtime.
I also know that a birthday for Kahsay will be celebrated differently than for his sisters. He does not open presents or even notice they are there. He can't eat cake or participate in little birthday games. While he may not be able to do typical birthday activities, he can celebrate. I received great advice from the ladies in my special needs group. We will give Kahsay his own traditions.
I am thankful for this little life God has given to us. I am hopeful that the next year will bring even more progress, and I am humbled to serve a God who provides all we need.