March 6, 2012 we received the call to become the parents to a 6 week old baby boy. He was so beautiful with his dark skin and deep set eyes. I took one look at him and knew I would go to the ends of the earth to bring him home. I began dreaming of a little boy with curly hair running around with his three older sisters.
We began preparing our hearts to do whatever we needed to embrace his culture and race. We educated ourselves so that we would be ready to tackle any adoption question he would throw at us. We were prepared for the months of cocooning that felt like eternity. We knew it would be hard and it was. What we did not prepare for was a doctor to look us in the eye and tell us our son had severe brain damage. None of the adoption videos we watched prepared us to be thrown into the medical world where we see nine different specialists and feed our child through a tube. No paragraph in our adoption book told us to be ready to deal with storing medicine, medical supplies, and large ugly therapy equipment. We were not prepared.
I continued to get together with my adoption group knowing that I needed the support and a place to vent. I love, value, and need the women in this group. They have supported and encouraged me in some of the hardest times of adoption. However; I found myself leaving the meetings feeling jealousy, anger, and self pity. I attended an adoption conference that was AMAZING, but every seminar I found myself in just didn't seem to apply. I would sit through them and hear these voices in my head say....
"Gotcha Day- who cares about his Gotcha Day, he will have no clue what is."
"Race Questions- he can't even see himself in a mirror....he will never know he is a different color than you."
"Birthparents- why worry about this if he will never comprehend what it means to be adopted."
I felt as if I was barely hanging on. I felt like I was drowning. How could I be completely honest without someone looking at me like I was horrible. As I drifted deeper and deeper into a pit of "why me?", God led me to two women who like me were not prepared. Who like me felt desperation for normalcy. Who wanted to worry about the right hair products instead of the correct dose of medication to help our child function. It was a safe place for me to vent, and express my jealousy and frustrations to people who have been there. Recently we went on a weekend together. It was so uplifting. We talked about everything from different g tubes, seizure meds, sleeping meds, walkers, therapies, school options, insurance, marriage, family, and God. We shared out "realistic" dreams for our kids. While each of our kids is different we understand how desperately each of us desires to see our child progress. We also know the level of progression will be different and at a different pace.
This brings me to this video of my sweet Kahsay Crawling. When I posted this I ached for my friends whose daughters are not crawling, let alone sitting up on their own. I ached because I knew their heart would be so happy for us but would hurt for the things they desperately want their girls to do. I hated knowing they may have cried tears of joy but also tears of mourning. I know this because I have felt this. However they have also taught me it is okay to have these feelings but if we do not look for the joy in our lives and circumstances then we are failing to see God's work in our lives. He is faithful, constant, true, loving and powerful. He is fighting for us everyday. He has a perfect plan for Kahsay, Ruby and Sadie. They are his beautiful children created and crafted by His hand. They bring so much joy to our lives that we never could have prepared for. While Kahsay, Ruby, and Sadie may not fit into the "normal" adoption textbook, I know full well they fit into God's plan perfectly. They will and already have been life changers in ways I could only dream of.
In October of 2012 I prepared myself for the worst. I prepared my heart for a child who would never walk, talk, or eat on his own. I have learned that when you follow a BIG, I mean REALLY BIG God, He will take you on journeys you never prepared for. Journeys that will test you and take you to the point of desperation. Journeys that will far exceed anything you could have dreamed up in your head. Journeys that will make you realize preparing without His leading is useless. Preparing for what we expect to happen is important but once we have prepared we need to rest in His hand knowing He has is already figured out.