Gabbie - 8 years old
Alexa- 5 years old
Maia- 3 years old
Kahsay- 10 months old
Friday, December 14, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
God's Blessing of HOPE
Today was amazing!! We feel so encouraged. Here is an overview of what we learned.
We began by looking at the MRI.
The frontal lobes are full and beefy. The posterior lobes are skinny and wasted.
It is apparent it is not what he started with, which is evidence that something happened in utero or possibly during birth. It was not a genetic malformation.
There is less brain tissue in the posterior lobes which also means less fluid
His frontal lobe will grow normal.
She does not think the head will look abnormal as it grows. It may not be normal size, but it should remain round.
While the optic nerve is present it is very thin and hard to see. This is a consequence from not having input from the area of the brain that controls vision. His visual impairment is not an eye issue but an input issue.
It is likely his vision will get better with time even up to the ages of 3 or 4. To what extent we do not know because the damage was severe.
His corpus callosum does show thinning, but she also said some people are born without one and have no idea until they have a head scan for some other unrelated reason. She said the brain usually finds other pathways to connect the sides.
His cerebellum is healthy- which controls cognitive learning and balance. This does not mean he will not have struggles with learning, but some of it could be mainly due to his vision impairment. We will have a better understanding around 3 years of age.
The damage was further up on the right side of the brain which explains his left side weakness. She said she already sees evidence that his brain is learning to overcome that. Neuroplasticity was the term she used. Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment.
Best news- More of his brain is healthy than not! Our jaws dropped. That was not what we expected to hear! We thought the majority of his brain was effected.
She encouraged us by saying kids almost always do better than an MRI.
After we looked at the MRI we went back to the room where she answered our questions-
The Dr. said she has never seen an MRI like Kahsays. In fact she said all the pediatric specialists get together once a month to discuss unique head scans. She asked if she could bring his. She also said the Neurologist will be there which could possibly get us an earlier appointment than May 1.
His diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy is just a clinical diagnosis. She said by 18 months we will know if it is true or if he is out of the woods. We will only know as he gets older. She basically said he is at risk for Cerebral Palsy but does not necessarily have it. Interesting huh?
He is being tested to rule out a metabolic disorder. She said it is unlikely. If he for some reason tests positive then there could continue to be insult to the brain. Please pray this comes back negative. This could be an entirely different journey.
Feeding
She basically laughed when I asked her about a feeding tube. I LOVE her!!!! She obviously has confidence that his ability to swallow and eat safely will improve over time.
I asked her if it was necessary for Kahsay to wake up to eat twice during the night. She said there is really no need for him to eat at all during the night seeing as he is a chunky monkey. She told me I could let him fuss it out. YES!!!!!
Sleeping
His brain damage has no effects on his sleep patterns besides vision issues. (still unsure what that means until we talk to his eye Dr. about this)
Like most 9 month old babies he should be able to soothe himself to sleep. She gave me permission to slowly ween him from needing constant butt patting in order to fall asleep (tough love here we come!). This is music to my ears. Bedtime and naptime routine has been exhausting but I felt it was necessary if his brain injury made it harder for him to soothe himself.
Vision
This will be his biggest hurdle.
His vision impairment could cause learning delays and motor delays. In comparison to what we were initially told, this was no big deal.
Mobility
She did not hesitate to say she feels confident Kahsay will crawl and walk someday. (PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!)
It obviously could take him much longer than other children, but it is possible.
The Dr. was so encouraging but honest about the the severity of the damage. She sure has high hopes for Kahsay, as do we. We asked why our pediatrician told us such horrible news. In his defense she informed us diagnostics is tricky. Our pediatrician was only reading what he saw. She has 25 years of experience and has learned our brains constantly surprise us. She was so happy with the development she already saw with him and assured us with the help he will receive and the fact that he is in our family, he will thrive beyond an MRI.
Obviously there is no way to predict the future, however looking at my son's future with such hope brings me peace. My heart feels so full. We know there will be hurdles and struggles in his path due to his brain injury however; we will not let an MRI predict those. His Dr. was God's angel in our life today.
seen kids perform far past their diagnosis more often than not.
Friday, November 2, 2012
How is Kahsay Doing?
So many of you have asked how Kahsay is doing. I think it is time I introduce you to our little man.
(Sorry the list is really long)
1. I have been home now for 4 months.
2. I weigh about 18 pounds and have the cutest thunder thighs.
3. I have beautiful brown eyes that bring attention everywhere I go.
4. I am REALLY loud.
5. I seem to grow the majority of my hair on my left side and it seems to grow in tufts. My mom is ready to finally cut it so it evens out a bit.
6. I did wear a helmet 23 hours a day but my orthotist decided to have me take it off until he is sure it is safe for me to wear it.
7. I have acid reflux really bad and take Prevacid one time per day.
8. I go to bed at 6:00 and usually wake up at 6:00. Most of the time I also wake up 1 or 2 times per night (only because I am sure my mom misses seeing me.)
9. I have three sisters who fight over me and love to make me laugh.
10. My laugh is contagious and sounds like Woody the Woodpecker when I am tired.
11. I go to physical therapy on Mondays to work on muscle control, eye tracking, and so much more.
12. I have only been home 4 months and have had an EEG, an MRI, 2 eye exams, a swallow study, a head x ray, a Urology exam, 3 head scans, and a few I can't even remember.
13. I like riding in the car.
14. I go to Occupational Therapy on Fridays. My therapist works with me on muscle awareness, sensory processing, and so much more.
15. I usually cry (really hard) for my therapy appointments because they make me do hard things.
16. I silently aspirate (when food, liquids, or stomach contents are swallowed poorly, and go into the lungs by mistake). with every swallow. They are trying to thicken my bottles to make this better. This is a work in progress.
17. If thickening my bottles doesn't work I will have to go to an ENT to see why this is happening.
18. I hate to eat anything but Soy Formula. Eating baby food makes me gag and sends my senses through the roof.
19. I am going to feeding therapy 2 times per week so that I get better at that.
20. I am obsessed with my jumperoo.
21. My favorite song is the theme song from VBS called "Fly". My family can sing this to me and I will stop crying.
22. My therapists are probably so sick of hearing this song. My mom sings it at least 5 times during my therapy sessions.
23. My sister Gabbie loves to carry me around and help take care of me.
24. My sister Alexa likes to play a game called "bullet" with me. She lays me down and then pulls me up like a bullet.
25. My sister Maia sings "Fly" to me. Sometimes I wish she would come to therapy because I get sick of hearing my mom sing it.
26. I have left side weakness and hate to grab or touch anything with my left hand.
27. I have poor tongue and lip control so my tongue is always hanging outside of my mouth. I figured it's the best way to see which way the wind is blowing.
28. When I fall asleep I rock my head back and forth to soothe myself.
29. I love when my mom and dad rock me and feed me my bottle before I go to bed.
30. I take 2 naps a day.
31. I can roll over both ways.
32. After dinner my family sings songs and I get so excited to join them at the dinner table.
33. I can sit up but for only a couple minutes on my own.
34. I have trouble seeing clearly, but my parents and doctors are still trying to figure that one out.
35. When I am fussy my mom lays me on the floor next to my CD player and I am in heaven.
36. I know a large portion of my brain is not there, but I promise you if you hang with me you would never know.
37. I still sometimes struggle in new places.
38. I think my bath is the bomb.
39. Because I silently aspirate I could be more likely to get pneumonia. When I get a cold my cough is really bad and usually makes me puke.
40. I give my mom lots and lots and lots of laundry.
41. People in public are always stopping my mom to tell her how cute I am.
42. I do not play with toys or grab them so my entertainment usually comes from bouncing or jumping.
43. I have already and will continue to change the lives of those who meet me.
44. God is not done with me yet.
(Sorry the list is really long)
1. I have been home now for 4 months.
2. I weigh about 18 pounds and have the cutest thunder thighs.
3. I have beautiful brown eyes that bring attention everywhere I go.
4. I am REALLY loud.
5. I seem to grow the majority of my hair on my left side and it seems to grow in tufts. My mom is ready to finally cut it so it evens out a bit.
6. I did wear a helmet 23 hours a day but my orthotist decided to have me take it off until he is sure it is safe for me to wear it.
7. I have acid reflux really bad and take Prevacid one time per day.
8. I go to bed at 6:00 and usually wake up at 6:00. Most of the time I also wake up 1 or 2 times per night (only because I am sure my mom misses seeing me.)
9. I have three sisters who fight over me and love to make me laugh.
10. My laugh is contagious and sounds like Woody the Woodpecker when I am tired.
11. I go to physical therapy on Mondays to work on muscle control, eye tracking, and so much more.
12. I have only been home 4 months and have had an EEG, an MRI, 2 eye exams, a swallow study, a head x ray, a Urology exam, 3 head scans, and a few I can't even remember.
13. I like riding in the car.
14. I go to Occupational Therapy on Fridays. My therapist works with me on muscle awareness, sensory processing, and so much more.
15. I usually cry (really hard) for my therapy appointments because they make me do hard things.
16. I silently aspirate (when food, liquids, or stomach contents are swallowed poorly, and go into the lungs by mistake). with every swallow. They are trying to thicken my bottles to make this better. This is a work in progress.
17. If thickening my bottles doesn't work I will have to go to an ENT to see why this is happening.
18. I hate to eat anything but Soy Formula. Eating baby food makes me gag and sends my senses through the roof.
19. I am going to feeding therapy 2 times per week so that I get better at that.
20. I am obsessed with my jumperoo.
21. My favorite song is the theme song from VBS called "Fly". My family can sing this to me and I will stop crying.
22. My therapists are probably so sick of hearing this song. My mom sings it at least 5 times during my therapy sessions.
23. My sister Gabbie loves to carry me around and help take care of me.
24. My sister Alexa likes to play a game called "bullet" with me. She lays me down and then pulls me up like a bullet.
25. My sister Maia sings "Fly" to me. Sometimes I wish she would come to therapy because I get sick of hearing my mom sing it.
26. I have left side weakness and hate to grab or touch anything with my left hand.
27. I have poor tongue and lip control so my tongue is always hanging outside of my mouth. I figured it's the best way to see which way the wind is blowing.
28. When I fall asleep I rock my head back and forth to soothe myself.
29. I love when my mom and dad rock me and feed me my bottle before I go to bed.
30. I take 2 naps a day.
31. I can roll over both ways.
32. After dinner my family sings songs and I get so excited to join them at the dinner table.
33. I can sit up but for only a couple minutes on my own.
34. I have trouble seeing clearly, but my parents and doctors are still trying to figure that one out.
35. When I am fussy my mom lays me on the floor next to my CD player and I am in heaven.
36. I know a large portion of my brain is not there, but I promise you if you hang with me you would never know.
37. I still sometimes struggle in new places.
38. I think my bath is the bomb.
39. Because I silently aspirate I could be more likely to get pneumonia. When I get a cold my cough is really bad and usually makes me puke.
40. I give my mom lots and lots and lots of laundry.
41. People in public are always stopping my mom to tell her how cute I am.
42. I do not play with toys or grab them so my entertainment usually comes from bouncing or jumping.
43. I have already and will continue to change the lives of those who meet me.
44. God is not done with me yet.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
How Are We Doing?
I figured I had better update everyone on how we are doing. I will repeat what I said on Facebook. We are completely humbled at the outpouring of prayers and encouragement we have received. I have no idea how we would be functioning without all of you who have lifted us up in prayer this week. On Monday I spent the day wanting Tuesday to come. On Tuesday I didn't feel any better. It was a constant roller coaster of emotions. I felt fear for the future, doubt in my abilities to parent a child with special needs, anger that other families were coming home with "healthy" children, peace that God was near, and comfort knowing that God has "got this". We heard so many amazing stories from many of you of how God worked miracles in the lives of your friends and loved ones. We cling to the hope that God will perform a miracle in Kahsay's brain also, however we are trying to keep ourselves grounded in the reality that maybe that is not Kahsay's story. My dad reminded me that God has already performed a miracle in Kahsay's life. If he would have stayed in Ethiopia his quality of life would look very different.
At this point we are taking it moment by moment. Not focusing on the fears of the future is difficult. Questions like: How would life change if he has to be in a wheelchair? Will he need a feeding tube someday? Will we be taking him to therapy for the rest of his life? Will he experience the joy of running and playing outside? Will he understand the love his biological parents had for him? Will we ever hear him say, "I love you"? and so on and so on...... On the day we found out about his diagnosis the words I read in the devotional book Jesus Calling spoke strongly to me.
"No matter what your circumstances may be, you can find joy in My presence. Some days are overcast and gloomy; you feel the strain of the journey, which seems endless. Begin by remembering that I have created this day; it is not a chance occurrence. Recall that I am present with you whether you sense My Presence or not. Rejoice in the fact that I understand you perfectly, and I know exactly what you are experiencing. "
I know God is saddened by this. I know He weeps with me when I physically can't hold it together. I know He hates to see His children suffer. I also know He loves Kahsay and will never let him go. I can only stay positive because we serve a God that has given me a "crazy peace" ( a term another mom of a special needs child used). It is a peace I cannot explain. It is a peace that only comes from Him.
We have an appointment with the Neuro Child Development Center at DeVos Children's Hospital on November 16. We look forward to meeting with them to hear their advice on our next steps.
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.
At this point we are taking it moment by moment. Not focusing on the fears of the future is difficult. Questions like: How would life change if he has to be in a wheelchair? Will he need a feeding tube someday? Will we be taking him to therapy for the rest of his life? Will he experience the joy of running and playing outside? Will he understand the love his biological parents had for him? Will we ever hear him say, "I love you"? and so on and so on...... On the day we found out about his diagnosis the words I read in the devotional book Jesus Calling spoke strongly to me.
"No matter what your circumstances may be, you can find joy in My presence. Some days are overcast and gloomy; you feel the strain of the journey, which seems endless. Begin by remembering that I have created this day; it is not a chance occurrence. Recall that I am present with you whether you sense My Presence or not. Rejoice in the fact that I understand you perfectly, and I know exactly what you are experiencing. "
I know God is saddened by this. I know He weeps with me when I physically can't hold it together. I know He hates to see His children suffer. I also know He loves Kahsay and will never let him go. I can only stay positive because we serve a God that has given me a "crazy peace" ( a term another mom of a special needs child used). It is a peace I cannot explain. It is a peace that only comes from Him.
We have an appointment with the Neuro Child Development Center at DeVos Children's Hospital on November 16. We look forward to meeting with them to hear their advice on our next steps.
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.
Monday, October 22, 2012
MRI Results (Our Plans vs. God's Plans)
Today Jason met with our pediatrician to go over the MRI Kahsay had last Tuesday. We had heard last week a vague explanation of the results. We knew they were not good, but were left with many uncertainties and questions. I decided to stay home with Kahsay so he could take a nap before his physical therapy appointment. I knew it wasn't good when Jason came home unable to control the tears. Immediately my heart started to pound and I knew the meeting was not good.
He began by asking the Dr. if he could see the MRI as they went over it. The pediatrician explained to Jason that there was nothing to see, because there was nothing there. Here is what we were told:
Kahsay suffered a massive intrauterine stroke. It severely damaged his 3 posterior lobes of his brain. The frontal lobes have not been effected, and his brain stem is healthy. The 3 parts that have been damaged are completely gone. They will not function. Because they are not there, Kahsay's head will also not grow in those areas. He also explained to us that he has severe cerebral palsy. With this information our Dr. said Kahsay will have severe developmental delays. He may never walk, talk, feed himself, or learn as you normally would. He will sustain life because his brain stem was not effected. His vision is impaired but to what extent we are unsure. So much of this only time will tell.
We meet with our neuro-child development center in the next 3-4 weeks. They will be able to walk us through the best path to take with Kahsay. They will prepare us for what struggles lie ahead, and provide us with the best resources to help Kahsay.
At this point we are grieving the loss of the hopes and dreams we originally had for Kahsay. We are angry that our son will not experience life the way we thought he would. We are fearful of what lies ahead for our family. We are thankful Kahsay is with us and able receive the best care possible. We are hopeful, because we serve a God who is strong and mighty.
Kahsay is a gift from God. He is our son. We love him deeply. He has changed our lives in ways we never thought possible. The diagnosis the Dr. gave us today does not seem to match the laughing, kicking child I see in my living room as we speak. It does not match the child who giggles when played with. It does not match the child who can't wait to join us at the dinner table when we sing. I am thankful for answers and a diagnosis, but I have no problem shoving that diagnosis in the garbage and trusting God's plans. His plans may not include complete or any healing, but they will be exactly as He desired.
He began by asking the Dr. if he could see the MRI as they went over it. The pediatrician explained to Jason that there was nothing to see, because there was nothing there. Here is what we were told:
Kahsay suffered a massive intrauterine stroke. It severely damaged his 3 posterior lobes of his brain. The frontal lobes have not been effected, and his brain stem is healthy. The 3 parts that have been damaged are completely gone. They will not function. Because they are not there, Kahsay's head will also not grow in those areas. He also explained to us that he has severe cerebral palsy. With this information our Dr. said Kahsay will have severe developmental delays. He may never walk, talk, feed himself, or learn as you normally would. He will sustain life because his brain stem was not effected. His vision is impaired but to what extent we are unsure. So much of this only time will tell.
We meet with our neuro-child development center in the next 3-4 weeks. They will be able to walk us through the best path to take with Kahsay. They will prepare us for what struggles lie ahead, and provide us with the best resources to help Kahsay.
At this point we are grieving the loss of the hopes and dreams we originally had for Kahsay. We are angry that our son will not experience life the way we thought he would. We are fearful of what lies ahead for our family. We are thankful Kahsay is with us and able receive the best care possible. We are hopeful, because we serve a God who is strong and mighty.
Kahsay is a gift from God. He is our son. We love him deeply. He has changed our lives in ways we never thought possible. The diagnosis the Dr. gave us today does not seem to match the laughing, kicking child I see in my living room as we speak. It does not match the child who giggles when played with. It does not match the child who can't wait to join us at the dinner table when we sing. I am thankful for answers and a diagnosis, but I have no problem shoving that diagnosis in the garbage and trusting God's plans. His plans may not include complete or any healing, but they will be exactly as He desired.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Broken to Beautiful (beware long post)
I know it has been way too long since my last post. Great things have happened here. We have been home with Kahsay now for almost 3 months. After our first trip my heart ached so much for our son that I couldn't blog. After our second trip life was so crazy I just did not have the time. I will admit I am not much of the blogging type, but wanted people to be able to follow our adoption journey. Since we have been home with Kahsay our lives have changed in ways I never expected. I debated on writing this testimony, but thought if I can reach one person through this it is worth it.
Let me begin by saying I am not a gifted writer. I only speak from my heart and testify to the work Christ has done.
When we began our adoption journey 2 1/2 years ago it started with fear but a strong desire to follow God's call. The financial part was difficult but God took care of that. The paperwork sucked (sorry that is how I felt). The wait was at times excruciating. The reminders from God that we were doing exactly what He wanted brought about peace. The unknown of when God would bring our boy home taught us patience. The support, prayers, and encouragement from family, friends, church family, and even strangers was overwhelming. The journey before seeing our son's face had it's ups and downs, but nothing compared to what God had planned.
It was April 5 when we saw our son's face for the first time. We celebrated together with hugs and tears of excitement. We were not prepared for the way our hearts broke for the story that brought him into our lives. His story is an amazing example of selfless love. I could only compare it the same selfless love God had for us when He allowed his one and only son to be the sacrifice for all of us. We look forward to the day when we will be able to share with Kahsay how much he was loved and wanted.
Our first trip to meet him was filled with excitement but also a bit of anxiety. We could not wait to finally hold and kiss our son, but also knew it would be a very different experience than the birth of our girls. We knew he would look at us with strange eyes. We watched as his Special Mother knew exactly how to feed him his bottle and put him to sleep. We could see the peace he had when we handed him to her when he was fussy. The special mothers who loved on Kahsay are our heroes. They give each child so much love and attention even with the knowledge that this child will be gone from their lives in a short while. It was hard as a mother to not be able to soothe your child. It was hard as a mother to only be able to hold him while he slept. The day we had to leave Kahsay in Ethiopia was horrible. The only peace we had was knowing he was being well taken care of and loved on.
The weeks between trip 1 and 2 were so hard for me. I felt like I gave birth and then left the baby in the hospital. I could not focus on anything else going on around me. I forgot about appointments, suffered from some depression, and longed for God to be near to me. It was hard to talk about it, because no one else except my husband and other adoptive families understood the deep desire to have my son home. I tried to focus on the time we had left as a family of five. I tried to spend more individual time with my girls and Jason. While my intentions were good, my heart still focused so much on Kahsay.
Trip 2 came, and after some crazy paperwork drama, God worked a miracle. We arrived at Hannah's Hope to pick up Kahsay forever. In the first hour during our talk with the director he screamed, puked, and finally fell asleep. He slept the entire way to the hotel. When we arrived he woke up and screamed in terror for over 2 hours. The next three days in Ethiopia were very hard. It is so heart wrenching to see your child look at you in fear. He did bless us with a few smiles, but looking back I see now he was very guarded. We survived the "fabulous" flights home and could not wait to be united as a family forever. Seeing our family and friends at the airport to welcome us home was all I had expected it to be. It felt amazing to finally be a family of 6 and introduce Kahsay to his sisters.
The next few days we were on a "finally home" high. We watched as the girls fought over him and as family and friends couldn't wait to finally catch a glimpse of him. Kahsay seemed happy and looked as if he was settling in. The next 6 weeks were what I refer to as the "trenches". We were encouraged to cocoon in our home and spend time as a family so the bonding between Kahsay and us could begin. We were committed to this as much as possible. We also did not let anyone else feed, diaper, and care for Kahsay's needs. We did allow grandparents and aunts and uncles to hold him for brief periods. As much as possible we limited our time out of the house to ensure Kahsay did not get overwhelmed. We noticed quickly that he continued to be guarded and limited his eye contact. He constantly wanted to be sleeping and tended to be fussy when he was awake. We knew this was how he was coping with this drastic change in his life.
Daily life was filled with tears from Kahsay and I. We fought every nap time and bedtime. I had this strong desire as his mom to rock him to sleep as he looked into my eyes. That is far from what happened. He tried everything in his power to not be close to me, yet he could not soothe himself. I struggled between trying to love him and be close to him even when I wanted to put him in his bed and be far far away. We both sobbed together. He was mourning what he once knew, and I was crying out for God to save me and heal this relationship. There were a few weeks even when I did not want to be the one to take care of him. I began to feel anger and resentment. I spent hours trying to soothe him to sleep. Once he was sleeping it lasted only about 30 minutes. I tried everything we are told to try with an adopted child. Sometimes these methods would work and sometimes I failed miserably. I desperately wanted Kahsay to love me. I desperately wanted to feel the same love for him as I felt for my girls. My 3 girls were being ignored and left to figure out the day on their own. I pasted a "this is great" smile on my face when seeing people. I shared with most of my family members the struggle, but never too detailed for fear they would sense my weakness. This was when God broke me. I finally picked up the phone one day and called someone from my church who told me to call them anytime if I needed prayers or anything else. I called her crying and pleading for her to pray for me and Kahsay. I have never been good at asking for help and admitting I need help. She prayed with me on the phone and assured me she would keep praying for me. When I hung up the phone I immediately felt a peace that only God could provide. It was from that moment that God began to miraculously bring beauty to a broken relationship. It did not miraculously turn from bad to good. The journey to healing was still hard. There were still days of tears on both ends. To be honest there are still days of tears. I will never forget the night Kahsay let me rock him to sleep without protest. He finally felt safe in my arms and knew I was going to provide for his needs and not give up on him. His walls finally started to break down and I was prepared to be the foundation he could rely on. None of this was in my own doing. This healing was only possible through God.
Today when I look at my son I feel such an intense love. I can testify today that the love I feel for him is no different than the love I feel for his sisters. He has changed our lives in ways we never expected. He has brought such life to our home. I am grateful God has chosen me to be Kahsay's mom.
Adoption is hard, but AMAZING. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the best. This journey has brought me to a closer understanding of Christ's love for us. What started out as a broken relationship has been made into something beautiful. I am grateful for the journey God has led us to. It is far from over and still will be hard. I am grateful that I have a God that can have victory over any trial. I am grateful for a God that can break me in order to make me stronger. We often hear how great we are that we adopted and how lucky Kahsay is. Kahsay has brought such blessing to our lives. We give all credit to God. We would not be where we are today without Him. He brought us here and we know He will see us through.
Let me begin by saying I am not a gifted writer. I only speak from my heart and testify to the work Christ has done.
When we began our adoption journey 2 1/2 years ago it started with fear but a strong desire to follow God's call. The financial part was difficult but God took care of that. The paperwork sucked (sorry that is how I felt). The wait was at times excruciating. The reminders from God that we were doing exactly what He wanted brought about peace. The unknown of when God would bring our boy home taught us patience. The support, prayers, and encouragement from family, friends, church family, and even strangers was overwhelming. The journey before seeing our son's face had it's ups and downs, but nothing compared to what God had planned.
It was April 5 when we saw our son's face for the first time. We celebrated together with hugs and tears of excitement. We were not prepared for the way our hearts broke for the story that brought him into our lives. His story is an amazing example of selfless love. I could only compare it the same selfless love God had for us when He allowed his one and only son to be the sacrifice for all of us. We look forward to the day when we will be able to share with Kahsay how much he was loved and wanted.
Our first trip to meet him was filled with excitement but also a bit of anxiety. We could not wait to finally hold and kiss our son, but also knew it would be a very different experience than the birth of our girls. We knew he would look at us with strange eyes. We watched as his Special Mother knew exactly how to feed him his bottle and put him to sleep. We could see the peace he had when we handed him to her when he was fussy. The special mothers who loved on Kahsay are our heroes. They give each child so much love and attention even with the knowledge that this child will be gone from their lives in a short while. It was hard as a mother to not be able to soothe your child. It was hard as a mother to only be able to hold him while he slept. The day we had to leave Kahsay in Ethiopia was horrible. The only peace we had was knowing he was being well taken care of and loved on.
The weeks between trip 1 and 2 were so hard for me. I felt like I gave birth and then left the baby in the hospital. I could not focus on anything else going on around me. I forgot about appointments, suffered from some depression, and longed for God to be near to me. It was hard to talk about it, because no one else except my husband and other adoptive families understood the deep desire to have my son home. I tried to focus on the time we had left as a family of five. I tried to spend more individual time with my girls and Jason. While my intentions were good, my heart still focused so much on Kahsay.
Trip 2 came, and after some crazy paperwork drama, God worked a miracle. We arrived at Hannah's Hope to pick up Kahsay forever. In the first hour during our talk with the director he screamed, puked, and finally fell asleep. He slept the entire way to the hotel. When we arrived he woke up and screamed in terror for over 2 hours. The next three days in Ethiopia were very hard. It is so heart wrenching to see your child look at you in fear. He did bless us with a few smiles, but looking back I see now he was very guarded. We survived the "fabulous" flights home and could not wait to be united as a family forever. Seeing our family and friends at the airport to welcome us home was all I had expected it to be. It felt amazing to finally be a family of 6 and introduce Kahsay to his sisters.
The next few days we were on a "finally home" high. We watched as the girls fought over him and as family and friends couldn't wait to finally catch a glimpse of him. Kahsay seemed happy and looked as if he was settling in. The next 6 weeks were what I refer to as the "trenches". We were encouraged to cocoon in our home and spend time as a family so the bonding between Kahsay and us could begin. We were committed to this as much as possible. We also did not let anyone else feed, diaper, and care for Kahsay's needs. We did allow grandparents and aunts and uncles to hold him for brief periods. As much as possible we limited our time out of the house to ensure Kahsay did not get overwhelmed. We noticed quickly that he continued to be guarded and limited his eye contact. He constantly wanted to be sleeping and tended to be fussy when he was awake. We knew this was how he was coping with this drastic change in his life.
Daily life was filled with tears from Kahsay and I. We fought every nap time and bedtime. I had this strong desire as his mom to rock him to sleep as he looked into my eyes. That is far from what happened. He tried everything in his power to not be close to me, yet he could not soothe himself. I struggled between trying to love him and be close to him even when I wanted to put him in his bed and be far far away. We both sobbed together. He was mourning what he once knew, and I was crying out for God to save me and heal this relationship. There were a few weeks even when I did not want to be the one to take care of him. I began to feel anger and resentment. I spent hours trying to soothe him to sleep. Once he was sleeping it lasted only about 30 minutes. I tried everything we are told to try with an adopted child. Sometimes these methods would work and sometimes I failed miserably. I desperately wanted Kahsay to love me. I desperately wanted to feel the same love for him as I felt for my girls. My 3 girls were being ignored and left to figure out the day on their own. I pasted a "this is great" smile on my face when seeing people. I shared with most of my family members the struggle, but never too detailed for fear they would sense my weakness. This was when God broke me. I finally picked up the phone one day and called someone from my church who told me to call them anytime if I needed prayers or anything else. I called her crying and pleading for her to pray for me and Kahsay. I have never been good at asking for help and admitting I need help. She prayed with me on the phone and assured me she would keep praying for me. When I hung up the phone I immediately felt a peace that only God could provide. It was from that moment that God began to miraculously bring beauty to a broken relationship. It did not miraculously turn from bad to good. The journey to healing was still hard. There were still days of tears on both ends. To be honest there are still days of tears. I will never forget the night Kahsay let me rock him to sleep without protest. He finally felt safe in my arms and knew I was going to provide for his needs and not give up on him. His walls finally started to break down and I was prepared to be the foundation he could rely on. None of this was in my own doing. This healing was only possible through God.
Today when I look at my son I feel such an intense love. I can testify today that the love I feel for him is no different than the love I feel for his sisters. He has changed our lives in ways we never expected. He has brought such life to our home. I am grateful God has chosen me to be Kahsay's mom.
Adoption is hard, but AMAZING. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the best. This journey has brought me to a closer understanding of Christ's love for us. What started out as a broken relationship has been made into something beautiful. I am grateful for the journey God has led us to. It is far from over and still will be hard. I am grateful that I have a God that can have victory over any trial. I am grateful for a God that can break me in order to make me stronger. We often hear how great we are that we adopted and how lucky Kahsay is. Kahsay has brought such blessing to our lives. We give all credit to God. We would not be where we are today without Him. He brought us here and we know He will see us through.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Court Date and Donation List
We are going to be leaving in 8 days to finally meet our son!! Our court date is on May 14. We would love to bring donations to our transition home where our son lives. Here is a donation list. If you live near us you can drop them off at our house or our church (Providence CRC).
DONATION LIST
Diapers of all sizes (but particularly preemie and sizes 3 and 4
Baby Wipes
Bibs
Hand Sanitizer
Kleenex boxes
Infant and children's vitamins
Formula: Vegetable-based Similac, soy-based Similac as well as regular formula
Children's Clothing: This must be new or Like new (no holes or stains)
Toddler clothing and shoes (at this time we are asking for families not to bring infant clothing)
Light Jackets or Sweaters for all ages
Boys clothing for ages 6-10 years old
Girls clothing for ages 6-13 years old
Underwear for all ages (Please consider slim clothing)
Shoes for all ages, but especially older boys and girls. The popular "Croc" is great for these kids!
Bottles: Avent bottles for both 8-12 ounce feedings
Diaper rash cream: Desitin is referred, but A&D ointment or Butt paste is also useful
Baby shampoos and baby oil
Shampoo, conditioner, and lotion for older children
Age appropriate development toys for infants and toddlers
Blow up balls/outside toys
Sidewalk chalk
Bubbles
Children's DVDs and CDs
Men's and women's deodorant
Good quality electric shaver
Rechargeable camping lanterns (for when electricity is out)
Twin Sheets (mainly flats) in children's patters and colors of pink, purple, red, blue, and green. Solid or print materials are both acceptable.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
The Call
I promised I would blog about how "the call" happened. When we signed our contract in December of 2009, I had dreamed of this moment. I read other people's stories of how their call would go and hoped ours would be similar. I had set my ringer to ring differently when our agency called me. I did that so I would not jump every time the phone rang. I also wondered how I would answer the call. Would I be sobbing uncontrollably and not be able to say hello? Would I be in complete control of my emotions and answer calmly? Would I be jumping up and down and be so excited that my caseworker would not get a word in? To be honest it went exactly how I thought it would.
It was about 2:40 on April 5. I was sitting on the couch helping my girls with a few computer games they were trying. My phone rang. It was my normal ring that I have for all calls. As I picked up my phone to check who was calling my heart jumped into my chest. It was our agency! For some reason my caseworker called from a number I did not have saved. I immediately yelled to Gabbie and Alexa, "It's the call! It's the call!". I picked up the phone and calmly answered. My heart was pounding so hard I thought my caseworker could hear it. She asked how we were doing and I sort of calmly told her we are good if she was calling with a baby. She explained that yes indeed she was. At this point I began sobbing uncontrollably. There was about 8 seconds of no conversation due to the fact that I was crying. I attempted to talk, but was for sure not making sense. She told me I could call my husband and conference call him in. I told her he was golfing and would not be able to talk until he was finished. Before we hung up I made sure to ask how old he was. I did not want to know his name or anything else until Jason was with me.
After I hung up I ran into the family room to let the girls they had a baby brother!! They both began to cry with me. We hugged and cried for a while and then ran downstairs to tell Maia. There was no crying but she did say, "I am the the best big sister ever!!!" What a perfect day it was! He is beautiful! I think I look at his picture at least 20 times a day.
It was about 2:40 on April 5. I was sitting on the couch helping my girls with a few computer games they were trying. My phone rang. It was my normal ring that I have for all calls. As I picked up my phone to check who was calling my heart jumped into my chest. It was our agency! For some reason my caseworker called from a number I did not have saved. I immediately yelled to Gabbie and Alexa, "It's the call! It's the call!". I picked up the phone and calmly answered. My heart was pounding so hard I thought my caseworker could hear it. She asked how we were doing and I sort of calmly told her we are good if she was calling with a baby. She explained that yes indeed she was. At this point I began sobbing uncontrollably. There was about 8 seconds of no conversation due to the fact that I was crying. I attempted to talk, but was for sure not making sense. She told me I could call my husband and conference call him in. I told her he was golfing and would not be able to talk until he was finished. Before we hung up I made sure to ask how old he was. I did not want to know his name or anything else until Jason was with me.
After I hung up I ran into the family room to let the girls they had a baby brother!! They both began to cry with me. We hugged and cried for a while and then ran downstairs to tell Maia. There was no crying but she did say, "I am the the best big sister ever!!!" What a perfect day it was! He is beautiful! I think I look at his picture at least 20 times a day.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Referral!!!!
Ever since we started this process I would read other people's blogs about their referrals and have such excitement for them and hope for when our day would come. It is hard to believe our day has come. On April 5 we received THE CALL for a beautiful 6 week old baby boy (he is 9 lbs.). He was born February 19 and was brought to Hannah's Hope on March . He is so beautiful! It is so hard to look at his picture and not be near him to cuddle and kiss on him. Our girls are over the moon with excitement and keep thanking God for answering our prayers. The next step is to get all of our referral paperwork in and then wait for a court date. When we receive a court date Jason and I will travel for our first trip. We will not get to bring him home at that time but will get to spend time bonding with him and getting know more of his culture and country. Please pray that we get a court date soon.
I will blog about "the call" in a couple days. I will say there were 3 sobbing girls in our home (one of them was me).
I will blog about "the call" in a couple days. I will say there were 3 sobbing girls in our home (one of them was me).
Monday, April 2, 2012
Still Waiting
We are still waiting for "the call". I will admit this has been the hardest part thus far. We did not expect to wait this long at #1. This is only the second time since being on the wait list that we have not moved at all in a month. I am an emotional roller coaster. My oldest informs everyone that I am a bit emotional lately. We have waited so long to finally see the face of the precious little boy God called us to adopt. I am soooo done waiting. The funny thing is that after they call us with our referral we will have to wait again. I guess at least I will have a picture to stare at and boy clothes to buy!! We pray every night for a referral, and so far God has told us to wait. We wait with great anticipation the day God says YES!!!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
WE ARE #1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know it has been a while since I posted last, but things really have been moving right along. As the title says, WE ARE FINALLY #1!!!! After beginning this process more than 2 years ago we have made it to the top of the list. This means the next little boy within our age (0-12 months) parameters is ours. It is finally real. I can't explain how excited we are to be at this point of the process. The wait has been long, and we could still wait a bit, but we are almost there. My phone is set to have a different ring for our agency so that I don't go crazy every time the phone rings. I will let you all know soon when we get the call. Please continue to pray we wait on God's timing and trust He knows best.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Wait
I wish I could update you on this large jump we took on the wait list, but instead I will share with you a poem that some dear friends of mine shared with me. February will mark the 2 year anniversary of signing our contract with AGCI. Maia was only 10 months old when we decided to obey God's call to expand our family through adoption. She will be 3 this April. It is crazy when I think of all that has happened in our lives while we have been praying, and waiting for Josiah (Yes that is his name). We have just started calling him by name. We still may decide to use his Ethiopian name, but I am pretty sure we will change it to Josiah and use his Ethiopian name as his middle name. Anyways, that is beside the point. I think of Josiah everyday. I dream about him. We pray for him everyday. Even the girls will talk about him like he is already a part of our family. What a great day that will be when we see his face for the first time.
While the wait is hard, I wanted to share a poem that some dear friends of mine shared with me. It has really brought this into perspective. I have felt all of these emotions more than once during this wait.
Wait
By Russel Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quielty, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a 'Yes', a go ahead sign.
Or even a 'No', to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and I grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting...for what?"
Then He seemed to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause the mountians to run.
I could give you all that you seek and pleased would you be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkeness and silence are all that you see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and that I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask.
From an infinate God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greastest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft my answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "Wait."
While the wait is hard, I wanted to share a poem that some dear friends of mine shared with me. It has really brought this into perspective. I have felt all of these emotions more than once during this wait.
Wait
By Russel Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quielty, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a 'Yes', a go ahead sign.
Or even a 'No', to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and I grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting...for what?"
Then He seemed to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause the mountians to run.
I could give you all that you seek and pleased would you be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkeness and silence are all that you see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and that I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask.
From an infinate God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greastest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft my answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "Wait."
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